When I first wanted to go to veterinary school people would say I wanted to do that but I could never put animals to sleep. No one enjoys that task but I hoped to make a difference in animals lives and maybe deaths as well. 
Throughout my vet school career I heard basically the same thing stated in different ways. I need to hide my emotions about my love for these animals and my tears for their death. I was constantly bombarded by criticism surrounding my sensitivity. I remember a few specific incidences. I volunteered for foal team. They were overnight shifts monitoring high risk foals. I was assigned a 2 day old foal that had an infection via the umbilical cord. I monitored him, gave his medicines and bottle fed him. I sat with him and comforted him on my overnight shifts. Maybe I shouldn’t have but I named him. I called him Picasso. Afterall, I told myself , I needed to call him something. He had so many beautiful spots that he looked like a canvas someone had painted on. A name is important to me and I am not sure why but I knew he needed one. It is hard to put all that energy into caring for an animal and not feel bonded as you both struggle for its life.  Over the next few days “Picasso as I called him, declined in health. I loved that little foal and I let him know in everyway I could. I gently pet him, I told him he was going to make it, and that I loved him.  My veterinary school professors barely tolerated that kind of attachment.   The owners eventually decided on euthanasia. I wanted to be there when he was put down. I cried and pet him as his suffering was peacefully ended. I could feel the equine residents eyes pierce through me. The head resident looked at me and abruptly told me I should not be crying and sharply walked away. I have never been good at hiding my emotions and at that moment I questioned whether or not I was strong enough to be successful in my career choice. I was confused as to whether I was supposed to care and not show it or just learn not to care. I decided to speak to the equine surgeon who was present at the euthanasia as well: I had always respected her and felt she was compassionate. I explained to her that I can not help but bond with these animals. I told her I knew his euthanasia had ended his suffering , but it was still a sad and difficult thing for me. As she spoke, she told me she could appreciate my feelings,  but that I would ultimately burn out emotionally. There would be no way for me to continue a long veterinary career with that level of sensitivity. I was confused and sad. I wondered if I would make it as a vet.  I knew in my heart that I would always love these animals and that their death was always going to cause me pain.  I walked away considering dermatology as a specialty since there would not be a lot of euthanasia in that field. But I knew that my heart was in other areas, unfortunately those that dealt with a relatively high number of euthanasia like emergency medicine. Was I a glutton for punishment or what?
Maybe I felt like I needed to be the one to care when I was surrounded by people who hid these feelings. Maybe when I showed my emotions it was uncomfortable for them because they had been hiding their own for so long. I was, in a sense, making them confront their own demons. 
I struggled with this over and over because there were so many instances when I was told " do not get attached to these animals they are going to die." 
 Well we are all going to die, some sooner rather than later and I felt like those were the animals that needed to feel love surrounding them the most.  I just could not turn off that compassion inside me.

I thought maybe I needed to try to deal with these emotions in  a different way. Afterall, these were veterinary professionals so they must know better. 
That is why I chose to join the pet loss grief hotline. It consisted of some training to help others cope with the loss of a pet. I was hoping to learn to deal with my own feelings or maybe become immune as so many others seem to have done. Well I cried through the entire  workshop. None of the other 4 trainees cried as they told tragic stories of people losing their pets and their suffering.  I took solace in the fact that I was,at least, beginning my desensitization program.  I hoped that by bombarding myself with sad stories they would eventually become less sad. I was really struggling through the constant batterings on my emotions. I finished through the workshop and began manning the phones of the pet loss hotline. People would call and tell me stories of their pets and we would cry together… "Great" I thought to myself, I had already broken rule number one…..

As I was listening to one of the callers talk about how much her cat meant to her, I saw a flash of one of my own cats, “Tasha” being euthanized years earlier by a very young vet. I was crying and talking to Tasha as she was euthanized. I remember the vet crying with me and I knew she understood my love for this cat and I so appreciated that. I knew then that I did not need to change.  That many pet parents would appreciate my compassion and understanding for their loss.
At graduation I received a note from one of my professors, which I have since lost, but I remember the message. She thanked me for talking to the animals and loving them so much in their time of need. She told me never to change that about myself.
I have been a veterinarian doing emergency work and some general practice in Baltimore for 8 years, and I still cry with owners at EVERY euthanasia.